After years of trying to gain more skills, education, and experience for ministry I realize that all I really have to offer God are my "two fish and five loaves of bread". My education in civil engineering covers up the fact that I really do not have much to offer otherwise. Or at least that's what I believe sometimes. It seems like my past has a way of haunting me in that I somehow find a way to come across like the person I used to be. I was quiet, shy, unassertive, socially inept, did not know how to communicate well, and lacked many skills that others take for granted. I was not brought up to be a "contributing" member of society. It was not until I was fourteen when I had a real chance of making it out of my dilemma.
I was born to a rather poor family in central Arizona. I was happy until things took a turn for the worse. When I was about six years old my parents began drinking excessively and use drugs. Soon my four siblings and I were starving from our lack of adequate nutrition. The oldest son, our step brother, ended up running away to his other family abandoning the rest of us. We scoured the roach infested house for food and ate anything from years old baby food to dog food. Most of the time we went without. Sometime before the law found out about our miserable state, my mom and her boyfriend (who previously kicked my father out of the house), locked us up in a bedroom. There was no getting out for any reason, not even to use the bathroom or eat. One day my older sister broke out and called the cops. We were free! Or so we thought. The cops dropped us off at our nearest relative's house. They too were "poor". My uncle and his wife just had a baby and were expecting another when we arrived on the scene. But they were barely making it financially. I do not remember how it transpired but my grandfather ended up taking us.
Things began well. But he too became an alcoholic. And we ended up being starved yet again. And since our grandfather wanted to move to Texas, and all he did was construction work, we went from hotel to hotel as we moved. And eventually we were never to go outside for any reason. My siblings used to go outside and search dumpsters for food. I was too afraid of getting sick so I did not go with them. Such was my life until the foster care system discovered us.
I was about eight years old when my siblings and I were placed into a temporary shelter. Life was good! We ate like kings and made friends. I enjoyed playing outside, going on outings, reading books to my youngest brother, participating in community events, and learning new things. But I was way behind in school. I do not even think I completed the second grade but the school placed me in the fourth because of my age. I liked science and history because I was learning new and interesting things that did not depend on my previous education. Math and writing were not among my strong suits to say the least. During the two months I was at the shelter I looked forward to going to a foster home. I hoped that my life would finally get better. It did not.
My five years in foster care were difficult in more ways than one. The foster parents were a bit miserly when it came to feeding us but that was the least of our problems. The foster dad was a passive man that barely spent time with any of us. The foster mom was emotionally abusive. I believe that this is where I received the most "damage". My personality shows it and this is the thing that seems to haunt me the most. She was brutal to me and especially to my younger brother. She would tell everyone how "retarded" and "stupid" I was. I believe that I was born with "above average" intelligence, but never had the opportunity to develop it until then. But she made me believe otherwise. I began to believe that my opinions did not matter so after making any statements I would end it with "just kidding".
In spite of the emotional abuse I made every effort to get myself out of my hopeless state. I received plenty of failing grades in math and writing in the fourth grade, but by the time I finished fifth grade, I caught up with my peers. I received an award for my efforts and looked forward to middle school. Though I did not pass the test to get into the talented and gifted program, I was a good student and others admired me for my artistic talent and long distance running ability. I was happily competing with other students for awards and was very successful. I was chosen to design a T-shirt for our school, received various awards for academics, received several ribbons for running, and even liked it when people were jealous of me. I liked school since it was my only escape from my foster home where I was emotionally abused. I lived off of the applause of people.
Fast forward twelve years after I was adopted. I completed high school having done well in advanced classes and recently graduated with a masters in civil engineering. I made it! Even more importantly God graciously saved me in 2002. He opened my eyes to see my wretchedness and called me to Himself. But "who I was" still rears her ugly head sometimes. When I was preparing for the mission field (God called me to the task shortly after my conversion), while in college, there were always people who believed that I did not have much to offer. I barely had any skills to offer and was not outgoing enough. Many people would take one look at me and immediately come to the conclusion that I was not cut out for the difficult mission field. I was not assertive or confident enough. I was not aggressive enough. The reasons were numerous. And it angers me when I encounter such people. They have no idea how much I went through to say the least. They have no idea that I am a much stronger person than they give me credit for. Not very many people began like I did and make it out with a master's degree in a difficult subject. I believe that I am a tough person and a "fighter". I fought my way out of my predicament ultimately by God's grace. But in the end I really only have five loaves and two fish to offer God. And I suppose that is why people do not give me enough credit. If you take away my masters and bachelors degree I do not seemingly have much to offer. But so far God took what I had and used it to get me where I am today. I did not have many of the opportunities that my peers had growing up that are advantageous for "getting ahead in life" (or ministry!) but I trust that God could even use me. And He did not make me weak either!
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